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Of Life and Updates 2013

Journal Entry: Sat Feb 16, 2013, 4:42 AM


Yoh!
Just figured I'd do a quick update.

Psyche
Things are going well for me. My life has continued to progressively get better, especially these past couple of months. My deep depression seems to have finally stopped dictating the boundaries of my life, and only spikes once or twice every few days. I usually just cry for an hour or two and then pick myself back up and put on my brave face to meet the day. I still have dreams every now and then, but for the most part, they're no longer soul shatteringly destructive to my psyche. In fact, this week, I've had two that were beautiful memories of wonderful times gone by with the person I love. I'm so grateful for that. Sleeping has been easier and as a result I think my body and mind are finally getting a chance to heal. My soul, I hope, is following their example. I show my true feelings more often now, instead of wearing my mask all the time, and I've been far more open about everything that happened to me. At rare times, I've even let the grief show through. I hope one day I can share the truth with everyone. I think that day will be emotionally liberating and constructive. But... For now, I know I'm still a little too weak and vulnerable for that, especially publicly. Until then, I continue to rely on the support and help of my friends. I really don't know where I would be right now with out them. Or well, I do. That's why I'm so grateful to them.

School/Job
Most people don't know, but I lost my job and dropped out of college back in 2011/2012 after things got really bad. The nightmares and trouble sleeping along with the depression and lack of motivation have pretty much destroyed any desire to finish school or keep a day job. I've been doing odd jobs here and there. I even tried a few business ventures, but honestly I just couldn't keep up the desire to go anywhere with them and bailed. Each time, I found myself quitting and crawling back in bed for days at a time unable to do anything productive. Thankfully, I had the support of my mom during this time. I'd be out living on the streets right now, if it wasn't for her. But now, these past couple of months, I've been feeling that tell-tale urge to get up, get out and do something with my life. I've been feeling the bite of ambition. Nothing grand or massive, but enough I think that can help propel me forwards again. I want to finish my degree. I'm so close it'd be a shame not to. I'm planning to go back to school in April. Here's hoping. And in the meantime, I'm going to apply for a position I know is open and available. I should be able to get it, so, hopefully I can start getting my life back on track.

Cosplay
Any one that makes costumes can tell you that it takes crazy amounts of hard work, dedication and time to make a cosplay. And considering most of the past year and a half, I've usually had to spend the better part of 4 to 5 hours a day just trying to motivate myself enough to get out of bed, I can tell you right now, I haven't got much done in the way of cosplay. Fortunately, I've been feeling better, enough these past couple of months to start working on it again. I've been working on some armor and I hope I get my outfit done in time for the upcoming SXSW and WCS. I've been using them as motivators to force myself up each day, to work out and eat properly - something that I just totally disregarded during 2011/2012. At this point, I really don't care if I place or win. The simple act of getting a costume done; of finishing a project and of jumping back into a hobby I cherish so much is enough to fulfill me. I hope to have lots of new photos of the new outfits this year so I'll definitely do more updates on that!

Photography/Filming
I have been though getting a lot more into photography and filming for the past year. I've been doing shoots more often, both as the model and as the photographer. I've been working with Evil Pastry Studios on a few new film projects and I'm even setting up a new film crew with Jesus, one of my amazing new friends that shares a similar fondness for film. I've found that, even through the darkness of despair and sadness, I never lost the love for my camera. It was one of the few passions that stayed afloat, even in the darkest hours and always helped guide me through the murky waves. I think the thought of being able to capture anything on camera and change it, mold it, make it beautiful, no matter how ugly or plain it might have appeared in real life, appealed to my desire of trying to take control of my life again. I would sometimes find myself endlessly taking photos of a random object or a beam of light, just toying with how I could capture it. Taking photos and filming always made me feel a little less depressed and for that, I owe so much to my camera. I will never give up this hobby and I will always treat it with love and admiration.

Writing
The one other hobby that probably saved my sanity. If there is any one activity I can easily say has helped me most through the tough times, it is writing. I have been keeping journals through out most of the bad times of this past year and a half... Mostly just musing of how I feel and what I was thinking. I've been working on a written project, basically a in depth detailed account of everything that happened to be: how I felt, what I went through, all the drama, and bullshit and fucked up shit that happened. I started doing this because writing has always been an outlet for me. When I write something down, I feel closure and release. I never got closure or relief for most of what happened to me. I hope that when I'm done, I'll finally be able to close the book on that sad part of my life and finally - FINALLY - find happiness again. Maybe the dreams will stop and I can find peace. I hope so. That's my goal.

Cons/Social Life
I've been attending cons still. If I didn't, I'm afraid my social interactions would pretty much have disappeared otherwise, heh. And that would probably lead to all sorts of terrible depression. Also, thanks mostly to the new friends I have, I've been incredibly social - almost too social, with get-togethers and parties almost every other day. Still, it's fantastic, being surrounded by so many wonderful people. I love it. It's a massive change from what my life was like back in 2011. I never want to find myself alone like that ever again. And being around all these fun, good people also helps keep my depression in check, mostly out of fear, but also from just feeding off all the good vibes and positive energy. I truly do feel blessed at times to have found such wonderful friends like these. And best of all, they go to cons with me! I'm hoping to hit up lots of new out-of-state cons this year! With a trip to Japan even later this summer! Oh! And I created a FB page for my cosplay: www.facebook.com/dugfinncospla… I'm going to mostly use it to add updates about outfits I'm working on and cons and events I go to.  

Future
All in all, I have high hopes - which is wonderful, considering I had none at one point. I'm so thankful that life is finally looking like it's going to turn out OK and with love, and a little luck, I know everything is going to be fine. I know that now. And I believe it. I'm not bathed in grief or misery, or boiling in fear and breaking down from anxiety and despair. Not anymore. I can smile now, and sometimes, I do it without meaning to. It took the deepest dark to understand how mindbogglingly beautiful a simple smile feels and I cherish it as the greatest gift the chemicals in our mind can produce for us. I have hope. I still cling to it, that maybe, one day, I will be able to understand exactly what happened that made everything go so dark - and maybe one day fully accept it and make peace with the horrible things that happened. I have hope. Because I know there is nothing stronger than that. Nothing.

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must of felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope."
― Alexandre Dumas

  • Drinking: Water
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:iconhecrpd:
HecRPD Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013   Filmographer
you go girl :)
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:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
:)
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:iconrinkara:
Rinkara Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Glad to hear! I hope things continue to improve for you :)
Reply
:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks! Ah, girly, I haven't talked to you in forever! You going to AM? If so, I def wanna just chat and catch up! :)
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:iconrinkara:
Rinkara Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah I'll be there! Hopefully we can catch each other sometime!
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:iconmarywesker:
MaryWesker Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm so happy to see that things are getting better for you; in all areas of your life! You deserve to be happy and I certainly hope you can get there and these good moods keep up! :tighthug: :heart:
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:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
You and me both, heh. Thank you so much again for spending time with me at Ota. That was such a nice break from life, heh. :)
How have things been with you? I see your FB updates every now and then and you look good. :)
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:iconmarywesker:
MaryWesker Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh it was my pleasure; you're great company and I hope we get to hang out this year too! :D Things have been well! School is going good, and I'm on the way to getting the arthritis under control so things are looking up.
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:iconphoenixinthesky:
Phoenixinthesky Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Student General Artist
Glad things are getting better :)
Good luck with your return to school! I know all to well what loosing motivation is like...
And just remember to keep at it, keep moving forward even if it's just one small step :)
Reply
:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you! I'm telling myself that and it's been working. Little by little.
I think there just comes a time in people's hearts when enough is enough and it's ready to heal and press forwards with life. I hope everything is going well with you too. :)
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February 16, 2013
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