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And Life Cools Down A Little

Journal Entry: Mon Sep 26, 2011, 9:46 PM


So. A little update. Life this year has been… Eventful.

I have seen the sun shine its brightest; looked it straight in the center. Marveled at its blazing glory. And had my retinas burned to ash.

Johnny broke up with me back in July. It was… Hard. Both horrible and a relief. I only wish it had been handled better. On both our parts. But I'm trying to get over all the pain and depression. Bit by bit, I'm getting there. I don't break down crying every few hours anymore like I used to. It's mellowed down to just crying every few days. So it's a step.  

I'm trying to engage myself in other projects. Cosplay is still a wonderful outlet for me. Filming as well. Last weekend I was reminded why I got into it in the first place. I had such fun filming the RERF Halloween Special. For the first time in a LONG time, I didn't feel so awkward around everyone. Well, it didn't last the whole time, but I really feel like I'm getting better.

I've also gotten back into writing - perhaps my greatest joy of all. I truly feel blessed when I write. I do. It's strange but… It's like… A string of thoughts organize themselves and flow out of me so seamlessly that it almost feels like a higher manifestation of consciousness is speaking through me; the chaos of the world around me, for a beautiful instance, stops screaming and there is nothing but the clarity of one singular moment defined by written words, typed on a clean white background. So simple. It's entrancing. There is nothing quite like it. It is my greatest solace and I do think I'd go mad if I couldn't write at least every now and then.

I'm also trying to get more photos taken of me. I don't have the luxury of having any pro or even semi-pro photographers as friends, so this makes getting my photo taken a bit difficult. I would like to chronicle my cosplays and myself in beautiful photos, but, well, it's surprisingly more difficult than you'd imagine to get that done, heh. Guess I just need to try harder.

And last but not least, I'm going to try my hand at watercolor and gouache again. I remember absolutely loving it. I've always watercolored, since I was just a tiny kid, but I stopped painting after college and it's something I always wanted to get back into. I was pretty damn good at it too. We'll see how that goes.

Well, for now, I leave you all again with my deepest wishes that everyone live their life well and in constant pursuit of that elusive bird called Happiness. One day I hope to see it again. Until then, I'll twirl around one of its feathers and try to keep my chin up.

Thank you; everyone out there - you guys are wonderful!

  • Drinking: Water
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:iconyamibakura03:
yamibakura03 Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2011  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Take care of yourself DF and stay out of trouble! J/K
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:iconaragashi:
aragashi Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
You can always bug me for pictures, friendo. I'll be at Oni-Con. I had to put the panel idea on hiatus, just from the sheer nature of trying to document the whole con officially. You should still join us on downtime and hang out/have a drink if that's your thing. We get in on Thursday before the con and my group's always down for making new friends. :D
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:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Yay! I plan on it, heh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'll def see ya'll there! I've sent you a note fyi! Yay!
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:iconjac:
jac Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011
We may only just met, but I think you're awesomeness. Meeting you during Afest was loads of fun and honestly it was refreshing talking to you about cosplay. Can't wait to meet up again in the future. ^_^
Reply
:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you! I was so happy to talk to you about cosplay too! Even though I hang out regularly with cosplayers in my group, it's so wonderful to meet someone who has new info and new techniques! I learned a lot and got so many new ideas! I'd love to say hey at Oni if you go! Yay!
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:iconjac:
jac Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2011
So late to reply! Fail.
I evny you getting to hang out with so many other cosplayers. Lol, I felt like I was milking you out for info, that sounds odd. There's a slim possiblity that I may make it to Oni, even for just a day. If I do I'll say hi for sure. ^_^
Reply
:icondarktonic:
DarkTonic Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sorry to hear about the break up i went through one myself but in return i found the guy i'm in love with.

Writing can be.......so freeing! SO......can't quite describe it! but me myself am writing a book and i will get so caught up in it it's like i'm almost living it....taking those steps with that character! doing those actions! i just love it! I am on Fanfiction.net and you can tell by my writing i am so into it! sometimes its so fast paced i just love it. I would love to read some of your work!

I love to draw! i just love it!
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:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Sounds exactly how I feel! Writing really is liberating!

Oh, I'll look you up on ff.net. Username AnArtist2011? Or a different user name?

I'm on FF.net too under the name DugFinn as well. Here ya go! [link]
Gotta warn you, most of what I write is loooong and yaoi, lol (no pun intended, heh) ^ ^
Reply
:icondarktonic:
DarkTonic Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i have two but my main one is Rose Makayla Black and it's actually nothing but Resident evil i think lol. Lol i don't mind yaoi as long as its not sexual content lmao! XD

wait here is the link to my FF account: [link]
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:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Awesome! Thanks, I'll go check it out.

Heh, most of my stuff is eith YuGiOh! or Resident Evil, heh. Love Resident Evil. ^ ^
Reply
:icondarktonic:
DarkTonic Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
lol i do to.....i'm totally in love with it and obsessed!!!!!!! 0o0
Reply
:iconmonkeyheartless:
MonkeyHeartless Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011
Sorry to hear about the break up but hopefully things work out soon. I am glad we are working together on future projects to come and glad that you're expressing yourself through creative outlets. Trust me you're good at cosplay and other art work of the like. :D

Speaking of photographers, I know some professionals in the area, so let me know and we can try to get something set up with them. :iconboikem: is the closest one to us.
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:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks!

Yeah, I can only believe that things will get better because thinking the alternative is simply unproductive, heh heh.

I am very much so looking forwards to filming with you guys. I'd love to come hang out again! It was tons of fun last time! Plus I can talk to ya'll a bit more about filming. You guys will need a director and producer. I assume that'll be you and your bro, heh.

Oh! I would LOVE to know some of the photographers you know! That would be awesome! Thank you so much!
Reply
:icondaggerarcadia:
DaggerArcadia Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011
I often find myself wondering how you are Miss Dugfinn. I saw when you guys broke up (on facebook) and I really wanted to ask you how you were feeling but I said nothing because I was afraid of making things worse. And I'm sorry for that, I should've asked anyways because I know that you cared about Johnny a great deal.

I hope things get better for you. I have a feeling they will.
Reply
:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Heh, thanks. I'm a firm believer that the truth, no matter how harsh, is always OK to talk about.
Actually, it wasn't until I finally talked to a few people about the whole situation that I was finally able to cope with it. Including Johnny himself. Like I said, it wasn't the break up itself that affected me so bad, it's the way it was went about.

And don't worry, heh. I guess the great thing about hitting rock bottom is that the easiest place to go from there is up, heh. I'm just ashamed of the tarnish my reputation and got from this whole thing. Although that's negligible in comparison with how royally F-ed up my emotions and mind became.

Still, things will get better. Thank you for reminding me of that. ^ ^
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:iconrinkara:
Rinkara Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Damn. I don't really know what to say D: Good luck with everything. I just met you not too long ago, but you're pretty awesome!
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:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks! I think you're pretty groovy too!
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:iconlaurieyuken:
LaurieYuken Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011  Student Photographer
You the man, Dug. Or whatever the female equivalent is.
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:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Heh. Thanks. ^ ^
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:iconleechu:
Leechu Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
♥ ♥ ♥
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:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
^ ^
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:iconmarywesker:
MaryWesker Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm so glad you're feeling a little better now. And it'll only keep getitng better from here. I'd say you're doing everything you can to keep your morale up and keep distracted; the only advice I can give is just keep doing what you're doing and what makes you happy. Remember; a lot of us (I'd be surprised if it wasn't everyone) have been where you are before so if ya ever need someone to talk to; don't hesitate to ask. I've been there multiple times and recently as well.

I fully support your plans to get back to painting/writing. And good luck finding a photographer!

You just remember you're an amazing, talented writer/director/cosplayer and all around epic person. And don't ever let that go or forget it. :hug: I wish ya the best of luck moving on and feeling better! :heart: I know you can do it!
Reply
:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks heh. Yeah, I think my ego is what has most taken a hit by everything that has happened to me in the past several months. I used to be the kind of person that would randomly answer questions with "Because I'm awesome, that's why" and declare that "I am awesome!" But it's been far too long since I last said that and meant it. I'm pretty insecure right now. I mean, I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I'm hoping I can fix that gradually.

Thank you so much for sticking with me over the years. It's strange, but each time I see your name I can't help but feel happy. Maybe it's because I've seen it for years and it's reassuring somehow? Not sure, but I'm glad to know you. I'm not the type that has tons of friends in real life or on the internet - contrary to how it may look, lol! I'm actually lucky if I have more than 5 friends at any given time, heh. I'm just such a shut in, eh heh. Maybe I should change that…? I just find it hard to stay friends with people since I'm always busy with projects and such. Course, no one to blame for that except myself, cho. Plus… I actually do enjoy being alone. I find it comfortable when others are not around me. And yet I love being in big groups. Ah, such a strange contradiction I am.

Well, I'm not really into that whole messaging thing. But aw, what the hell. If you'd like we can do the AIM thing? My user name is DugFinn. Just let me know when you'd like me to get on. ^ ^ Be fun to talk to you, heh.
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:iconmarywesker:
MaryWesker Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah, no prob, dear. :heart: I live to help. I can definitely understand that; I think with most people it's the ego that takes the longest to recover. Especially my overinflated one. Teehee. Well, you should start saying it again; cuz you are awesome and thus entitled to announce it! ^_^ Everyone gets insecure; it's normal. When you feel better that'll go away and you'll start pronouncing your awesomeness more. :XD:

Aw, you're very welcome! I tend to cling. lol! I didn't know that! Damn, that's cool! I'm glad me hanging about for the past few years helps. And the friend thing? I'm the exact same way; my lack of people ties in with my fear of being hurt by them. So it's hard for me to get close to someone and harder to lose them; and that happened almost two months ago. A good friend will always understand your busy-ness; and they'll hang around. If they can't thn it's their loss. I don't think it's the amount of friends you've got, but the quality of them. I've got a very small group of people I'm close to and that's good with me. I hear you; sometimes it is nice being alone; but not all the time. we are social beings after all. I'm right there with ya in the strange contradiction category! I love my big groups at conventions and such but also like being alone in my room to write and veg.

Well it's an open offer; if you're not entirely comfortable, tis all good. ^_^ Damn! I deleated my AIM thingy about a year ago (I mostly use MSN/Windows Live), but I could make a new one. I should go do that now....*skips off to download*
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:iconhecrpd:
HecRPD Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011   Filmographer
your an awsome and talented person Dugfinn.
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:icondugfinn:
DugFinn Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks! You too. I saw your last game project with Barry. Awesome work.
Reply
:iconhecrpd:
HecRPD Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011   Filmographer
Thanks.Its called Resident Evil:Dark Memories.The Main Characters are Rebecca and Barry.Its shaping up into a great game.
Reply
:iconhecrpd:
HecRPD Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011   Filmographer
opps i forgot to spaace. Its called Resident Evil: Dark Memories.
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