DugFinn

Yoh!
So I was working on a L4D video project called L4D RUN! It's up on youtube now! www.youtube.com/watch?v=8A8BTb… We filmed L4D RUN a while back, but I totally forgot to write a Journal about it, heh. XD

I worked with Jesus Limon from A Dream Production www.facebook.com/JesusCosplayF… as well as lots of other awesome people! Jesus just started making fan films recently and he and us film purely for the fans and make no money off of these videos, so please head over to A Dream Production and give it a "Like!" It would mean a lot to him!

And if you wanna give me a like too, I'd be totally groovy with that too, heh. XD www.facebook.com/dugfinncospla…

In L4D RUN, I was Zoey, DP, main camera guy and wore a bunch of other hats during the production. It was tons of fun and I hope to make more videos in the future! We're currently finishing up a Steampunk video that should be up in a couple months! Whoo! And I'm gearing up for a Pokemon mini-series that'll start filming in Jan 2014! Ah, can't wait! Guess I'll do a few music videos in the mean time, heh. :3

A Dream Production is going to start doing casting calls for their next project soon, so def follow their page for updates! www.facebook.com/JesusCosplayF…

 

Yoh!
Just figured I'd do a quick update.

Psyche
Things are going well for me. My life has continued to progressively get better, especially these past couple of months. My deep depression seems to have finally stopped dictating the boundaries of my life, and only spikes once or twice every few days. I usually just cry for an hour or two and then pick myself back up and put on my brave face to meet the day. I still have dreams every now and then, but for the most part, they're no longer soul shatteringly destructive to my psyche. In fact, this week, I've had two that were beautiful memories of wonderful times gone by with the person I love. I'm so grateful for that. Sleeping has been easier and as a result I think my body and mind are finally getting a chance to heal. My soul, I hope, is following their example. I show my true feelings more often now, instead of wearing my mask all the time, and I've been far more open about everything that happened to me. At rare times, I've even let the grief show through. I hope one day I can share the truth with everyone. I think that day will be emotionally liberating and constructive. But... For now, I know I'm still a little too weak and vulnerable for that, especially publicly. Until then, I continue to rely on the support and help of my friends. I really don't know where I would be right now with out them. Or well, I do. That's why I'm so grateful to them.

School/Job
Most people don't know, but I lost my job and dropped out of college back in 2011/2012 after things got really bad. The nightmares and trouble sleeping along with the depression and lack of motivation have pretty much destroyed any desire to finish school or keep a day job. I've been doing odd jobs here and there. I even tried a few business ventures, but honestly I just couldn't keep up the desire to go anywhere with them and bailed. Each time, I found myself quitting and crawling back in bed for days at a time unable to do anything productive. Thankfully, I had the support of my mom during this time. I'd be out living on the streets right now, if it wasn't for her. But now, these past couple of months, I've been feeling that tell-tale urge to get up, get out and do something with my life. I've been feeling the bite of ambition. Nothing grand or massive, but enough I think that can help propel me forwards again. I want to finish my degree. I'm so close it'd be a shame not to. I'm planning to go back to school in April. Here's hoping. And in the meantime, I'm going to apply for a position I know is open and available. I should be able to get it, so, hopefully I can start getting my life back on track.

Cosplay
Any one that makes costumes can tell you that it takes crazy amounts of hard work, dedication and time to make a cosplay. And considering most of the past year and a half, I've usually had to spend the better part of 4 to 5 hours a day just trying to motivate myself enough to get out of bed, I can tell you right now, I haven't got much done in the way of cosplay. Fortunately, I've been feeling better, enough these past couple of months to start working on it again. I've been working on some armor and I hope I get my outfit done in time for the upcoming SXSW and WCS. I've been using them as motivators to force myself up each day, to work out and eat properly - something that I just totally disregarded during 2011/2012. At this point, I really don't care if I place or win. The simple act of getting a costume done; of finishing a project and of jumping back into a hobby I cherish so much is enough to fulfill me. I hope to have lots of new photos of the new outfits this year so I'll definitely do more updates on that!

Photography/Filming
I have been though getting a lot more into photography and filming for the past year. I've been doing shoots more often, both as the model and as the photographer. I've been working with Evil Pastry Studios on a few new film projects and I'm even setting up a new film crew with Jesus, one of my amazing new friends that shares a similar fondness for film. I've found that, even through the darkness of despair and sadness, I never lost the love for my camera. It was one of the few passions that stayed afloat, even in the darkest hours and always helped guide me through the murky waves. I think the thought of being able to capture anything on camera and change it, mold it, make it beautiful, no matter how ugly or plain it might have appeared in real life, appealed to my desire of trying to take control of my life again. I would sometimes find myself endlessly taking photos of a random object or a beam of light, just toying with how I could capture it. Taking photos and filming always made me feel a little less depressed and for that, I owe so much to my camera. I will never give up this hobby and I will always treat it with love and admiration.

Writing
The one other hobby that probably saved my sanity. If there is any one activity I can easily say has helped me most through the tough times, it is writing. I have been keeping journals through out most of the bad times of this past year and a half... Mostly just musing of how I feel and what I was thinking. I've been working on a written project, basically a in depth detailed account of everything that happened to be: how I felt, what I went through, all the drama, and bullshit and fucked up shit that happened. I started doing this because writing has always been an outlet for me. When I write something down, I feel closure and release. I never got closure or relief for most of what happened to me. I hope that when I'm done, I'll finally be able to close the book on that sad part of my life and finally - FINALLY - find happiness again. Maybe the dreams will stop and I can find peace. I hope so. That's my goal.

Cons/Social Life
I've been attending cons still. If I didn't, I'm afraid my social interactions would pretty much have disappeared otherwise, heh. And that would probably lead to all sorts of terrible depression. Also, thanks mostly to the new friends I have, I've been incredibly social - almost too social, with get-togethers and parties almost every other day. Still, it's fantastic, being surrounded by so many wonderful people. I love it. It's a massive change from what my life was like back in 2011. I never want to find myself alone like that ever again. And being around all these fun, good people also helps keep my depression in check, mostly out of fear, but also from just feeding off all the good vibes and positive energy. I truly do feel blessed at times to have found such wonderful friends like these. And best of all, they go to cons with me! I'm hoping to hit up lots of new out-of-state cons this year! With a trip to Japan even later this summer! Oh! And I created a FB page for my cosplay: www.facebook.com/dugfinncospla… I'm going to mostly use it to add updates about outfits I'm working on and cons and events I go to.  

Future
All in all, I have high hopes - which is wonderful, considering I had none at one point. I'm so thankful that life is finally looking like it's going to turn out OK and with love, and a little luck, I know everything is going to be fine. I know that now. And I believe it. I'm not bathed in grief or misery, or boiling in fear and breaking down from anxiety and despair. Not anymore. I can smile now, and sometimes, I do it without meaning to. It took the deepest dark to understand how mindbogglingly beautiful a simple smile feels and I cherish it as the greatest gift the chemicals in our mind can produce for us. I have hope. I still cling to it, that maybe, one day, I will be able to understand exactly what happened that made everything go so dark - and maybe one day fully accept it and make peace with the horrible things that happened. I have hope. Because I know there is nothing stronger than that. Nothing.

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must of felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope."
― Alexandre Dumas

Yoh!
Been awhile since I last came onto Deviantart.

I've been away soul searching and all around living. Many things have been getting better in my life. Many wonderful people have blessed me with their friendship and their love and for that I am truly grateful. I am finally feeling happiness again and I am ecstatic that maybe soon, someday, I will stop feeling so much sadness. I look forwards to that day. And in the meantime, I've been keeping myself busy. So busy I usually don't have time to think. Thinking still makes me sad. Thinking leads to remembering and... That's still something that leads me to tears. So, I'll keep making myself busy, so busy I don't have time to think or stop and breath.  

Please forgive my lack of updates or replies in the meantime. I just don't feel right trying to force cosplay, writing or art while in a state of sadness. It's just so contrary to my nature. But, I'll try my best to keep at it. I hope you'll understand and forgive me. I'm working on a writing project that will hopefully finally let me let go of that sadness. Hopefully.

I have been keeping busy with school, my job, and many film projects, one of which we recently launched a kickstarter for: L4D RUN (the pilot). Please check it out and help support us! That would be so awesome! We'd really appreciate it. ^ ^ www.kickstarter.com/projects/1…

I hope to start updating more often and getting back into the swing of things. I feel so privileged to be a part of this community and I can't wait to immerse  myself once more!

Thank you all so much. You guys are so precious to me. You have no idea. Thank you.

I always write journals. I write so many of them. All the time. They help me cope and get out of my head the things inside I wish were not there. They are my outlet. And without words, I would bubble over and put out my fire. Of this I have no doubt.

But I always erase my journals.

As my mouse hovers over the "post" button, it shys away, highlights and deletes. I rarely post any of the journals I write.

Ever.

Sometimes, just sometimes... I copy and paste them into word pad and file them away as a sad rich text file, left to drown in the annals of my hard drive.

I did that again today. But this time I stopped, after deleting my post again, and asked myself, "Why do I do this? Why do I write my feelings, my thoughts, my fears, my truth - only to shamefully wipe it from existence? Why do I do this?"

And the answer rang so clear: Because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of what people will think. I'm afraid of admitting what has been with me for a long time now. What has happened to me. What I have gone through. As if admitting it will make it somehow more real. I'm afraid people will view me differently. I'm afraid of pity. I'm afraid of the backlash. I'm afraid my reputation will be destroyed. I'm afraid of stigma. I'm afraid I won't be loved. I'm ashamed. I fear the consequences... I really do fear what people will think...

But...

I'm tired of this endless cycle. I believe in the truth. And although I have my deep secrets that I refuse to let see the light of day, now, or possibly ever, I don't think I should hide this particular skeleton anymore. I've been been dealing with it, not knowing what it was, or why. Thinking things I know are not my thoughts, acting in ways I know are not me - and it hurts not being in control... I live with this mask on my face, placed there because of fear. Because people like happy people. They don't like sad people... And people won't like me if I take the mask off. I don't like me when I take my mask off.

I have clinical depression. MDD. Look it up. It sucks.

I believe I have progressively been getting better, with last year late summer being the worst to date. In late January, I started to feel... Better. I have hope again. I have a drive for life again. Part of me cares again. For real, not just to upkeep looks. It feels like the clouds just parted and I'm finally seeing the rays of the sun - and they're warm. I know I have a long way to go, but I have to stay positive. And, seriously, you guys have no idea how hard it is to do that. *deep sigh*  

I want to share the post I originally wrote for New Years 2012. It's one of the few posts I saved to my computer instead of deleting. I fear this post. Like I fear the posts I will make from now on. Because, I'm not going to delete my thoughts anymore. I don't know why... But somehow, I think it will help me. So please... Just bare with me. Ignore my Journals from now on if you like. I just need this. For myself.

MDD sets in for no understood reason. And sometimes, it vanishes for no understood reason.
I patiently wait for that day.

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New Years - 2012

So... I thought long and hard about what my New Year's resolution would be. I wanted to pick something that would matter; something that I could aspire to and make me a better person. I thought and I though. And in the end, I couldn't chose anything. Nothing came to mind.

I feel empty. I'm not going to lie. I have hurt and pain inside of me. The kind that makes me cry day and night. I wake up and I cry. I lay down to sleep and I cry. I go outside and I cry. I keep my mouth shut and tears well out of my eyes and stream down my cheeks and drip off my lips. I can't stop crying. And I've been like this for a long time. But I have gotten better at hiding my depression from others.

And that's just it. I'm depressed. Not, like... I feel sad today kind of depressed. No, I'd feel boundless joy if there were days I could feel something other than sadness. I feel a deep wallowing pit of despair every day; every waking moment. Sometimes I can't get up from bed. I. Can't. And my body shakes and sinks and feels worthless and useless. And I cry.

I shower, hoping that the water will wash away my sadness. It only camouflages the tears. And I huddle in the water begging for the heat to burn me so I can feel pain somewhere other than inside me.

I try to talk about it. I have. But my throat swells up and I can't speak. I can feel the tears at the brim and I turn my face in fear. My heart hurts. For real. Actually hurts. Not metaphorically. Sometimes it beats so hard that my chest feels like it's going to give. I feel panic and fear and pain. And it scares me. It really does scare me.

My mind. It goes to places; dark places. That frighten me. Terrify me. And fill me with shame. Because I shouldn't be there; I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't. This isn't normal. Fixing a plastered smile on my face in front of others... It hurts. It hurts so much. But I'm terrified of what they'll think if they knew...

I don't want to feel this way... But I am scared to confront it. The reasons why I feel this way. A poor frog in water slowly boiling; not realizing it's life is being jeopardized; not realizing it's already too late; not realizing it's not alive anymore. Not realizing... It's already dead.

I miss my friends. But my friends don't miss me. My friends are not my friends anymore. If they ever were. And no matter how hard I try, I fail to make understood my desire to fix things. To make things better. It seems I fail at expressing anything correctly. Am I so dull in speech that my words have no edge to hook themselves in reason? Or have I simply been talking to a wall that will never respond? And if so, is that not my own fault for talking to an unresponsive wall?

I can't eat much anymore. It's hard to keep anything down. This anxiety that brews inside me makes sure of that. Sometimes, I'll make food, but I won't eat it. I'll just look at it. Maybe take a picture. Maybe taste it. And walk away. Except when I'm with friends. New friends. It's one of the few times I can eat and not feel the tempest of sorrow demand the food abandon ship. They probably don't know this, but I secretly feel relief when they decide to meet-up at a restaurant. I love food. Or well, I did. When I'm by myself, I just can't find that love anymore. And it makes me cry.

And sleep. I love sleep. But more and more, it does not love me. It fills my head with sweet dreams and such happiness that when I awake, all the more the hell fires of my conscious burn my skin. And I long to sleep once more; to escape these feelings of despair and sadness. I want to stop feeling. I'd give anything to stop feeling; to disconnect my heart and place it in mason jar labeled with a sharpie: "Warning: Do not use!"

I'm scared. To get close to anyone. I've always kept my distance in almost every way. And then I dropped my guard. I decided, "I want to give in completely and trust." But blindly I trusted. And blindly I was decimated. Not a single one of them ever asked me, "What's wrong?" or "Are you OK?" Except one. And I still hold him dear in my heart - against better judgement. Because when I told him what was wrong, he turned away. And only one ever truly trusted me... He was there for me when I most needed someone to be there for me. In my darkest hour. I would not be here right now if it wasn't for him...   

I'm crying right now. But that's nothing unusual. Nothing unusual at all... Because my heart is inside me. And it's broken. And my tears bleed the sadness of its fractured shell.