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L4D Run - Fan Film!

Journal Entry: Fri Aug 23, 2013, 2:48 PM
Yoh!
So I was working on a L4D video project called L4D RUN! It's up on youtube now! www.youtube.com/watch?v=8A8BTb… We filmed L4D RUN a while back, but I totally forgot to write a Journal about it, heh. XD

I worked with Jesus Limon from A Dream Production www.facebook.com/JesusCosplayF… as well as lots of other awesome people! Jesus just started making fan films recently and he and us film purely for the fans and make no money off of these videos, so please head over to A Dream Production and give it a "Like!" It would mean a lot to him! :D

And if you wanna give me a like too, I'd be totally groovy with that too, heh. XD www.facebook.com/dugfinncospla…

In L4D RUN, I was Zoey, DP, main camera guy and wore a bunch of other hats during the production. It was tons of fun and I hope to make more videos in the future! We're currently finishing up a Steampunk video that should be up in a couple months! Whoo! And I'm gearing up for a Pokemon mini-series that'll start filming in Jan 2014! Ah, can't wait! Guess I'll do a few music videos in the mean time, heh. :3

A Dream Production is going to start doing casting calls for their next project soon, so def follow their page for updates! :D www.facebook.com/JesusCosplayF…

 

  • Drinking: Water

Of Life and Updates 2013

Journal Entry: Sat Feb 16, 2013, 4:42 AM


Yoh!
Just figured I'd do a quick update.

Psyche
Things are going well for me. My life has continued to progressively get better, especially these past couple of months. My deep depression seems to have finally stopped dictating the boundaries of my life, and only spikes once or twice every few days. I usually just cry for an hour or two and then pick myself back up and put on my brave face to meet the day. I still have dreams every now and then, but for the most part, they're no longer soul shatteringly destructive to my psyche. In fact, this week, I've had two that were beautiful memories of wonderful times gone by with the person I love. I'm so grateful for that. Sleeping has been easier and as a result I think my body and mind are finally getting a chance to heal. My soul, I hope, is following their example. I show my true feelings more often now, instead of wearing my mask all the time, and I've been far more open about everything that happened to me. At rare times, I've even let the grief show through. I hope one day I can share the truth with everyone. I think that day will be emotionally liberating and constructive. But... For now, I know I'm still a little too weak and vulnerable for that, especially publicly. Until then, I continue to rely on the support and help of my friends. I really don't know where I would be right now with out them. Or well, I do. That's why I'm so grateful to them.

School/Job
Most people don't know, but I lost my job and dropped out of college back in 2011/2012 after things got really bad. The nightmares and trouble sleeping along with the depression and lack of motivation have pretty much destroyed any desire to finish school or keep a day job. I've been doing odd jobs here and there. I even tried a few business ventures, but honestly I just couldn't keep up the desire to go anywhere with them and bailed. Each time, I found myself quitting and crawling back in bed for days at a time unable to do anything productive. Thankfully, I had the support of my mom during this time. I'd be out living on the streets right now, if it wasn't for her. But now, these past couple of months, I've been feeling that tell-tale urge to get up, get out and do something with my life. I've been feeling the bite of ambition. Nothing grand or massive, but enough I think that can help propel me forwards again. I want to finish my degree. I'm so close it'd be a shame not to. I'm planning to go back to school in April. Here's hoping. And in the meantime, I'm going to apply for a position I know is open and available. I should be able to get it, so, hopefully I can start getting my life back on track.

Cosplay
Any one that makes costumes can tell you that it takes crazy amounts of hard work, dedication and time to make a cosplay. And considering most of the past year and a half, I've usually had to spend the better part of 4 to 5 hours a day just trying to motivate myself enough to get out of bed, I can tell you right now, I haven't got much done in the way of cosplay. Fortunately, I've been feeling better, enough these past couple of months to start working on it again. I've been working on some armor and I hope I get my outfit done in time for the upcoming SXSW and WCS. I've been using them as motivators to force myself up each day, to work out and eat properly - something that I just totally disregarded during 2011/2012. At this point, I really don't care if I place or win. The simple act of getting a costume done; of finishing a project and of jumping back into a hobby I cherish so much is enough to fulfill me. I hope to have lots of new photos of the new outfits this year so I'll definitely do more updates on that!

Photography/Filming
I have been though getting a lot more into photography and filming for the past year. I've been doing shoots more often, both as the model and as the photographer. I've been working with Evil Pastry Studios on a few new film projects and I'm even setting up a new film crew with Jesus, one of my amazing new friends that shares a similar fondness for film. I've found that, even through the darkness of despair and sadness, I never lost the love for my camera. It was one of the few passions that stayed afloat, even in the darkest hours and always helped guide me through the murky waves. I think the thought of being able to capture anything on camera and change it, mold it, make it beautiful, no matter how ugly or plain it might have appeared in real life, appealed to my desire of trying to take control of my life again. I would sometimes find myself endlessly taking photos of a random object or a beam of light, just toying with how I could capture it. Taking photos and filming always made me feel a little less depressed and for that, I owe so much to my camera. I will never give up this hobby and I will always treat it with love and admiration.

Writing
The one other hobby that probably saved my sanity. If there is any one activity I can easily say has helped me most through the tough times, it is writing. I have been keeping journals through out most of the bad times of this past year and a half... Mostly just musing of how I feel and what I was thinking. I've been working on a written project, basically a in depth detailed account of everything that happened to be: how I felt, what I went through, all the drama, and bullshit and fucked up shit that happened. I started doing this because writing has always been an outlet for me. When I write something down, I feel closure and release. I never got closure or relief for most of what happened to me. I hope that when I'm done, I'll finally be able to close the book on that sad part of my life and finally - FINALLY - find happiness again. Maybe the dreams will stop and I can find peace. I hope so. That's my goal.

Cons/Social Life
I've been attending cons still. If I didn't, I'm afraid my social interactions would pretty much have disappeared otherwise, heh. And that would probably lead to all sorts of terrible depression. Also, thanks mostly to the new friends I have, I've been incredibly social - almost too social, with get-togethers and parties almost every other day. Still, it's fantastic, being surrounded by so many wonderful people. I love it. It's a massive change from what my life was like back in 2011. I never want to find myself alone like that ever again. And being around all these fun, good people also helps keep my depression in check, mostly out of fear, but also from just feeding off all the good vibes and positive energy. I truly do feel blessed at times to have found such wonderful friends like these. And best of all, they go to cons with me! I'm hoping to hit up lots of new out-of-state cons this year! With a trip to Japan even later this summer! Oh! And I created a FB page for my cosplay: www.facebook.com/dugfinncospla… I'm going to mostly use it to add updates about outfits I'm working on and cons and events I go to.  

Future
All in all, I have high hopes - which is wonderful, considering I had none at one point. I'm so thankful that life is finally looking like it's going to turn out OK and with love, and a little luck, I know everything is going to be fine. I know that now. And I believe it. I'm not bathed in grief or misery, or boiling in fear and breaking down from anxiety and despair. Not anymore. I can smile now, and sometimes, I do it without meaning to. It took the deepest dark to understand how mindbogglingly beautiful a simple smile feels and I cherish it as the greatest gift the chemicals in our mind can produce for us. I have hope. I still cling to it, that maybe, one day, I will be able to understand exactly what happened that made everything go so dark - and maybe one day fully accept it and make peace with the horrible things that happened. I have hope. Because I know there is nothing stronger than that. Nothing.

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must of felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope."
― Alexandre Dumas

  • Drinking: Water

Getting there, and L4D RUN Pilot Kickstarter!

Journal Entry: Fri Sep 14, 2012, 6:10 PM
Yoh!
Been awhile since I last came onto Deviantart.

I've been away soul searching and all around living. Many things have been getting better in my life. Many wonderful people have blessed me with their friendship and their love and for that I am truly grateful. I am finally feeling happiness again and I am ecstatic that maybe soon, someday, I will stop feeling so much sadness. I look forwards to that day. And in the meantime, I've been keeping myself busy. So busy I usually don't have time to think. Thinking still makes me sad. Thinking leads to remembering and... That's still something that leads me to tears. So, I'll keep making myself busy, so busy I don't have time to think or stop and breath.  

Please forgive my lack of updates or replies in the meantime. I just don't feel right trying to force cosplay, writing or art while in a state of sadness. It's just so contrary to my nature. But, I'll try my best to keep at it. I hope you'll understand and forgive me. I'm working on a writing project that will hopefully finally let me let go of that sadness. Hopefully.

I have been keeping busy with school, my job, and many film projects, one of which we recently launched a kickstarter for: L4D RUN (the pilot). Please check it out and help support us! That would be so awesome! We'd really appreciate it. ^ ^ www.kickstarter.com/projects/1…

I hope to start updating more often and getting back into the swing of things. I feel so privileged to be a part of this community and I can't wait to immerse  myself once more!

Thank you all so much. You guys are so precious to me. You have no idea. Thank you.

  • Drinking: Water

A Late New Years - Happy 2012

Journal Entry: Thu Feb 23, 2012, 1:34 AM


I always write journals. I write so many of them. All the time. They help me cope and get out of my head the things inside I wish were not there. They are my outlet. And without words, I would bubble over and put out my fire. Of this I have no doubt.

But I always erase my journals.

As my mouse hovers over the "post" button, it shys away, highlights and deletes. I rarely post any of the journals I write.

Ever.

Sometimes, just sometimes... I copy and paste them into word pad and file them away as a sad rich text file, left to drown in the annals of my hard drive.

I did that again today. But this time I stopped, after deleting my post again, and asked myself, "Why do I do this? Why do I write my feelings, my thoughts, my fears, my truth - only to shamefully wipe it from existence? Why do I do this?"

And the answer rang so clear: Because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of what people will think. I'm afraid of admitting what has been with me for a long time now. What has happened to me. What I have gone through. As if admitting it will make it somehow more real. I'm afraid people will view me differently. I'm afraid of pity. I'm afraid of the backlash. I'm afraid my reputation will be destroyed. I'm afraid of stigma. I'm afraid I won't be loved. I'm ashamed. I fear the consequences... I really do fear what people will think...

But...

I'm tired of this endless cycle. I believe in the truth. And although I have my deep secrets that I refuse to let see the light of day, now, or possibly ever, I don't think I should hide this particular skeleton anymore. I've been been dealing with it, not knowing what it was, or why. Thinking things I know are not my thoughts, acting in ways I know are not me - and it hurts not being in control... I live with this mask on my face, placed there because of fear. Because people like happy people. They don't like sad people... And people won't like me if I take the mask off. I don't like me when I take my mask off.

I have clinical depression. MDD. Look it up. It sucks.

I believe I have progressively been getting better, with last year late summer being the worst to date. In late January, I started to feel... Better. I have hope again. I have a drive for life again. Part of me cares again. For real, not just to upkeep looks. It feels like the clouds just parted and I'm finally seeing the rays of the sun - and they're warm. I know I have a long way to go, but I have to stay positive. And, seriously, you guys have no idea how hard it is to do that. *deep sigh*  

I want to share the post I originally wrote for New Years 2012. It's one of the few posts I saved to my computer instead of deleting. I fear this post. Like I fear the posts I will make from now on. Because, I'm not going to delete my thoughts anymore. I don't know why... But somehow, I think it will help me. So please... Just bare with me. Ignore my Journals from now on if you like. I just need this. For myself.

MDD sets in for no understood reason. And sometimes, it vanishes for no understood reason.
I patiently wait for that day.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


New Years - 2012

So... I thought long and hard about what my New Year's resolution would be. I wanted to pick something that would matter; something that I could aspire to and make me a better person. I thought and I though. And in the end, I couldn't chose anything. Nothing came to mind.

I feel empty. I'm not going to lie. I have hurt and pain inside of me. The kind that makes me cry day and night. I wake up and I cry. I lay down to sleep and I cry. I go outside and I cry. I keep my mouth shut and tears well out of my eyes and stream down my cheeks and drip off my lips. I can't stop crying. And I've been like this for a long time. But I have gotten better at hiding my depression from others.

And that's just it. I'm depressed. Not, like... I feel sad today kind of depressed. No, I'd feel boundless joy if there were days I could feel something other than sadness. I feel a deep wallowing pit of despair every day; every waking moment. Sometimes I can't get up from bed. I. Can't. And my body shakes and sinks and feels worthless and useless. And I cry.

I shower, hoping that the water will wash away my sadness. It only camouflages the tears. And I huddle in the water begging for the heat to burn me so I can feel pain somewhere other than inside me.

I try to talk about it. I have. But my throat swells up and I can't speak. I can feel the tears at the brim and I turn my face in fear. My heart hurts. For real. Actually hurts. Not metaphorically. Sometimes it beats so hard that my chest feels like it's going to give. I feel panic and fear and pain. And it scares me. It really does scare me.

My mind. It goes to places; dark places. That frighten me. Terrify me. And fill me with shame. Because I shouldn't be there; I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't. This isn't normal. Fixing a plastered smile on my face in front of others... It hurts. It hurts so much. But I'm terrified of what they'll think if they knew...

I don't want to feel this way... But I am scared to confront it. The reasons why I feel this way. A poor frog in water slowly boiling; not realizing it's life is being jeopardized; not realizing it's already too late; not realizing it's not alive anymore. Not realizing... It's already dead.

I miss my friends. But my friends don't miss me. My friends are not my friends anymore. If they ever were. And no matter how hard I try, I fail to make understood my desire to fix things. To make things better. It seems I fail at expressing anything correctly. Am I so dull in speech that my words have no edge to hook themselves in reason? Or have I simply been talking to a wall that will never respond? And if so, is that not my own fault for talking to an unresponsive wall?

I can't eat much anymore. It's hard to keep anything down. This anxiety that brews inside me makes sure of that. Sometimes, I'll make food, but I won't eat it. I'll just look at it. Maybe take a picture. Maybe taste it. And walk away. Except when I'm with friends. New friends. It's one of the few times I can eat and not feel the tempest of sorrow demand the food abandon ship. They probably don't know this, but I secretly feel relief when they decide to meet-up at a restaurant. I love food. Or well, I did. When I'm by myself, I just can't find that love anymore. And it makes me cry.

And sleep. I love sleep. But more and more, it does not love me. It fills my head with sweet dreams and such happiness that when I awake, all the more the hell fires of my conscious burn my skin. And I long to sleep once more; to escape these feelings of despair and sadness. I want to stop feeling. I'd give anything to stop feeling; to disconnect my heart and place it in mason jar labeled with a sharpie: "Warning: Do not use!"

I'm scared. To get close to anyone. I've always kept my distance in almost every way. And then I dropped my guard. I decided, "I want to give in completely and trust." But blindly I trusted. And blindly I was decimated. Not a single one of them ever asked me, "What's wrong?" or "Are you OK?" Except one. And I still hold him dear in my heart - against better judgement. Because when I told him what was wrong, he turned away. And only one ever truly trusted me... He was there for me when I most needed someone to be there for me. In my darkest hour. I would not be here right now if it wasn't for him...   

I'm crying right now. But that's nothing unusual. Nothing unusual at all... Because my heart is inside me. And it's broken. And my tears bleed the sadness of its fractured shell.

  • Drinking: Water

Hosting the Cosplay Contest @ SXSW!

Wed Jan 25, 2012, 10:19 PM


Evil Pastry Studios and I are hosting the COSPLAY CONTEST @ South By Southwest 2012! March 9-11th
Watch the SXSW video here: www.youtube.com/watch?feature=…

Taking place inside SXSW Screenburn (Video Game Area) - and it's FREE!

Enter the COSPLAY CONTEST!
Win tons of awesome prizes!

Join Evil Pastry Studios for:
- Scavenger Hunts
- Cosplay Photoshoots
- Awesome Giveaways
- Cosplay Panels
- Cosplay Contest

Check out all the groovy details on the Evil Pastry Website!
evilpastry.com/sxsw/

And best of all – it's FREE!

  • Drinking: Water

Space Circuit Photo Contest! - Please Vote!

Journal Entry: Sun Dec 18, 2011, 5:03 PM
Yoh!

A while back, me and some new buddies went to a Car Show to Enter into a Photo Contest!
Well, two of our group's photos made it into the finals, but now they need YOUR help to win!
Please follow the links to Facebook and "like" them and help us out!
Thank you guys so much!

It's my friend John Wayne's entry:  www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbi…
and Daniel Hill's (my brother's) entry: www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbi…

Thanks everyone!

  • Drinking: Water

You Know...

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 1:05 AM
You know...

Over the past several months, I've gone from the happiest I've ever been to the lowest point in my life to date and back to an uneasy truce between the two.

Sometimes I wake up still dreaming. Sometimes I go to sleep crying. Sometimes I smile at a fond memory. Sometimes I grieve at a cruel joke. Sometimes I look forwards to the future. Sometimes I envy the past. Sometimes I regret my choices. Sometimes I marvel at my progress.

And through it all... I thank life for the privilege it gives me to be ME.

No matter what, I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky to be who I am. I am so thankful to have the option to change my own life and have control of my own destiny. I accept responsibility of my own actions and my own feelings. I accept responsibility for the stupid things I've done. And the stupid things I will yet do.

I am honest. I am bold. I am beautiful inside.
I am rash. I am proud. I am beautiful outside.

I am my own most amazing person.
And my own greatest critic.

I am so lucky to be me.

Thank you life. Thank you for letting me live. I promise you, I will live to the fullest extent of my ability. Thanks.

  • Listening to: My thoughts
  • Watching: Myself
  • Drinking: Water

And Life Cools Down A Little

Journal Entry: Mon Sep 26, 2011, 9:46 PM


So. A little update. Life this year has been… Eventful.

I have seen the sun shine its brightest; looked it straight in the center. Marveled at its blazing glory. And had my retinas burned to ash.

Johnny broke up with me back in July. It was… Hard. Both horrible and a relief. I only wish it had been handled better. On both our parts. But I'm trying to get over all the pain and depression. Bit by bit, I'm getting there. I don't break down crying every few hours anymore like I used to. It's mellowed down to just crying every few days. So it's a step.  

I'm trying to engage myself in other projects. Cosplay is still a wonderful outlet for me. Filming as well. Last weekend I was reminded why I got into it in the first place. I had such fun filming the RERF Halloween Special. For the first time in a LONG time, I didn't feel so awkward around everyone. Well, it didn't last the whole time, but I really feel like I'm getting better.

I've also gotten back into writing - perhaps my greatest joy of all. I truly feel blessed when I write. I do. It's strange but… It's like… A string of thoughts organize themselves and flow out of me so seamlessly that it almost feels like a higher manifestation of consciousness is speaking through me; the chaos of the world around me, for a beautiful instance, stops screaming and there is nothing but the clarity of one singular moment defined by written words, typed on a clean white background. So simple. It's entrancing. There is nothing quite like it. It is my greatest solace and I do think I'd go mad if I couldn't write at least every now and then.

I'm also trying to get more photos taken of me. I don't have the luxury of having any pro or even semi-pro photographers as friends, so this makes getting my photo taken a bit difficult. I would like to chronicle my cosplays and myself in beautiful photos, but, well, it's surprisingly more difficult than you'd imagine to get that done, heh. Guess I just need to try harder.

And last but not least, I'm going to try my hand at watercolor and gouache again. I remember absolutely loving it. I've always watercolored, since I was just a tiny kid, but I stopped painting after college and it's something I always wanted to get back into. I was pretty damn good at it too. We'll see how that goes.

Well, for now, I leave you all again with my deepest wishes that everyone live their life well and in constant pursuit of that elusive bird called Happiness. One day I hope to see it again. Until then, I'll twirl around one of its feathers and try to keep my chin up.

Thank you; everyone out there - you guys are wonderful!

  • Drinking: Water

Contest Entry!

Journal Entry: Sat Aug 20, 2011, 10:09 AM
Hello everyone!

I've been doing my best to keep my mind off of things that would otherwise make my mind go bump in the night, heh. And, besides cosplay (obviously), I've been trying my hand at these Contest things here on Devi. I entered my first one and was wondering if I could get ya'lls support on it? It's a Resident Evil Contest.

Go here to vote! recosplayfanz.deviantart.com/j…

Of course, vote on the one that ya'll like the most, heh. Don't just vote on mine because it's mine, hahaha.
Thanks guys!

PS: I am feeling better. Not quite back to my old self; still got quite aways to go, but I'm getting there. Thank you all so much. I really do mean it.

  • Drinking: Water

Finally Rays of Sunshine Seeping Through

Journal Entry: Thu Jul 21, 2011, 8:52 AM


I am both pleasantly surprised and warmed to my inner core that there are people out there who, not really knowing me, have offered me their sympathy, their help, and their best wishes. I feel overwhelmed by that kindness. I want to thank you all. So much. I only wish I could repay the kindness you have shown me. Thank you. You may never know the depth of how your words have helped me in a difficult moment, but please know, it did. Thank you so much.

I am still at times over come by sadness, but being depressed is not my state of normalcy, nor is it one in which I want to stay in. I will not allow myself to wallow in the pit of despair as I have these past several weeks. I am tired of crying. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being tired. Enough is enough. Salt stained cheeks do not become me. I want to laugh again. I want to feel joy again. I want to smile because I feel good, not because I'm trying so desperately hard to conceal the pain inside my heart. I want the awkwardness to go away. I want to feel relief and enjoy the presence of my friends. I want to be happy.

I will work towards this as my goal.

I want to thank you Izzy. You have been a friend to me in ways even I wonder if I could ever be. Thank you so much. I really cracked that night, but you kept me afloat. I am forever in your debt. I can only repay you with my friendship. You will always have it. Always.

I spoke with Johnny again. Just for a bit. It might not have been much, but just hearing his voice calmed the chaos in my mind. I still don't know what is wrong or going on. But I'm going to stop letting that unknown twist knots in my soul. Not knowing is wreaking havoc on my emotions. But I trust Johnny. Completely. I am going to take a blind step and trust him to know what he's doing. I love him. And, against my own personal better judgment, I can't seem to stop, heh. I'll always be there for him. No matter what. I can't help but do otherwise. Whenever he figures out what's up, I'll be there for him. Until then, I'll still be there for him. My heart will not allow me to do otherwise. And I'm OK with that.

I have neglected many things lately. I will focus of them as a means to my goals. That includes cosplay, filming, editing, writing, school - And my family. Long since have I allowed a chasm to divid me from them. No time like the present to try and fix that.



Regardless of what may come, I am happy I have lived my life to this moment, to see this day, and to love myself and those around me. I have no regrets.

Thank you everyone. So much.

  • Drinking: Water

Things That Need to be Said

Thu Jul 14, 2011, 11:09 AM
The sad part of life, as is demonstrated by all the greatest civilizations, is that once the height is reached, the only place left to go is down.

That being said, let me clarify: The past year and a half have been the most wonderful in all my life. By far. Hands down. I have met people that I have grown to care for, a man I have fallen in love with, and seen the twinkling of a future dawn that I never thought possible.

And then the calamity of reality hit and my civilization fell.

I'm still not entirely sure what happened. Actually, I'm not even vaguely sure what happened. Everything seemed to be going so well… And then it all went so terribly wrong.

I wish I knew what it was that decimated my beautiful paradise. I wish I knew so that I could fix it. Perhaps it was my lack of attention to detail, or my overlooking the growing cancer of old foes I had long ago disregarded as unimportant. Or maybe it wasn't me at all, and thus there was little I could do to halt the travesty that arrived. Regardless, my happy world faltered and with it came crashing down the walls of my confidence.

Perhaps a bit over dramatic? Maybe. But still not even close to how devastated I felt.

The past month or so has been perhaps the roughest in a long time. Perhaps ever. Because I have never had more at stake; more that I CARE about at stake, than as now. And I have never been more terrified and frightened by this unknown future that looms over me like dark angry clouds waiting to rain down a deluge of fury. Gods, I feel helpless and lost. An overwhelming bout of sadness daily escapes me; staining my cheeks red with salt and draining me of willpower.

I wish I knew what to do. To fix this. I'm so scared.

I've been told that "everyone" has been talking about me. To others in the group. I've been told some of the things they've said. I've been told some of their concerns. And I ask - Why do they not come to me? Why whisper it behind my back? Am I not your friend? Am I not a part of this group? Then why not simply ASK ME? Instead of weaving these rumors into huge tangled knots of fabrications?

Perhaps the greatest of all accusations is that I'm jealous of my boyfriend's best friend. Which hurts. That accusation hurts so much. Especially since I have already stated it's not true. It hurts that my boyfriend chooses to believe the others in the group instead of me. I have never lied to him. I have always been honest (to a fault) with him. And yet, with out ANY proof, I have been convicted. It hurts my heart that he doesn't trust me… Especially since he should know me better than that. He's going off of what others are saying; others that do not know me, others who have not talked to me, or gotten to know me; asked how I was; what was going on at the time, but he believes them over me? How is that supposed to not hurt?

I'm very honest. I always say what I'm feeling or thinking - to him and to the others, even when I know it's not what he wants to hear. If I was jealous I'd damn well come out and say it. I sure as hell wouldn't hide it. That's not how I roll. But I'm not jealous. The most baffling thing is, why the hell should I BE jealous? I trust my boyfriend completely. And I know his best friend enough to know that she would NEVER do anything inappropriate. She's a good person. A very good person, so the thought of anything inappropriate going on between them is simply unimaginable. Actually, the concept of people thinking that there is anything going on between them ticks me off because it obviously means they don't know them at all - which is why is pisses me off so gods damned much that I'm being accused of this. So people saying, "I think she's jealous" to me translates as "She doesn't trust her boyfriend and thinks nasty of his best friend." If people are saying that about me, then OF COURSE it's going to piss me off. Why the damned hells would I be jealous?! It just doesn't make ANY sense.

So many other things that make my heart hurt… All boiling down to a lack of trust. I wish I knew what I had done to build this rancor against me. - Or, invertly, I wish I knew WHOM had built this rancor up in him against me. So that I could find that person or persons and punch them in the face. Hard. But that's just a feeling. A strong one. I'm not violent. I'd never physically hurt anyone. But I get mad; burning mad; raging anger that flows through me at the thought of people speaking lies about me. So mad I want to hurt something, anything - but this lasts only an instant, not even a full second, and is quickly replaced by a deep sadness. A sweeping depression that has me in tears for hours. Because I don't UNDERSTAND WHY someone would purposefully say untrue things full well knowing that they will hurt that person - especially when that person has done nothing to hurt them. Why would people do that? I just don't understand it. And if it's done out of concern, then why whisper it and nurture it into nasty rumors? If it was done out of concern, they why not bring it directly to the person it's about and ask them as a concerned friend?

I'm just so confused. And no matter how hard I try, I'm always sad. Everything seems to be hanging by a fringe and I don't seem to have any control on what to do. I've tried on several occasions to talk to my boyfriend. I've tried to do what he says, or implies, or what I get out of it, but it always seems to end up wrong or worse. For most of June I felt like I was going crazy. The thought of him not loving me anymore drove me into a frenzy of emotional instability that I couldn't begin to explain or fathom. I won't go into details, but maybe thats what people saw and equated to be jealously? If that's true, then it's kinda sad that people can't distinguish deep anxiety and depression from jealously. And not ONCE did anyone EVER ask me if I was OK or if I wanted to talk. Not a single person - Except Izzy. Thank you Izzy. I think I would have done something drastic and regrettable if you hadn't been there to help me.

I've cried every single day since June 12th. I've tried not to. I even wake up in the mornings, demanding myself that today I won't, only to find myself hiding in the bathroom crying my eyes out just moments later, because I just don't know what to do; because I'm scared I'm going to loose the friends I care about; because I'm scared they don't care about me; because I'm scared they may not even be my friends; because I don't understand what is going on; why all this animosity; the lies, the rumors, the negativity; and most of all - I'm terrified I'm going to loose the man I love - and it kills me inside.





I wasn't going to post this journal. I normally hate the thought of sharing personal information on the internet. I think anything personal needs to be discussed privately, but that just isn't working here, because no one is discussing anything with me. I think I need to post this. It's not that I want to get people involved in my issues between me and my boyfriends - that's not it at all. I just want to get people involved with ME; to remind everyone that I'm a friend, aren't I?

I think it needs to be known that this is how I feel. I am not a hollow shell that films and edits and takes photos and organizes events at cons and makes costumes. I am a person; I have feelings. And I like to be talked TO, not talked ABOUT.

If you have any questions, any doubts, any thing you want cleared up - I MEAN IT ANYTHING - or hell just to chat as friends do, please contact me! Call me, txt me, meet me in person, email me. Please. Please do this. Or let me know that you'd like me to contact you. Please, let's clear up this disgusting fog of misinformation that has settled on us and be better friends. Please.


That all being said, my boyfriend and I have talked. At best, we're in an unstable and unsure situation. I don't know, actually, neither of us know where this is all going; where we'll end up. But I'm hopeful. I love him and trust him. No matter happens or what he decides, that will never change.




I just want to be friends with everyone.

  • Drinking: Water

Tidbit of a Happy Future!

Journal Entry: Fri Jun 3, 2011, 9:21 PM


So far, life is pretty damned awesome!



I'm doing good at college, which I'm very happy about. I'm trying to work at it at least a little each day in the hopes of possibly graduating early. I'm looking forwards to finishing school and starting my career - a REAL career. Not just a job, but an actual career. It's strange how the conceptual difference between a job and a career never hit me as hard until this year when I realized… I wanted a sound and stable future. I'm looking forwards to being financially in control of my own destiny. It still might be a while, but it makes me happy knowing I'm working towards a meaningful and worthwhile goal.



As for me and Breaker, everything is going well. I feel almost like I've lived my whole life with out having actually lived before until I met him. I know, I know. Keep the mushy stuff toned down, but it's hard to keep such feeling bottled up. Sometimes, I'll randomly run into a room with a fierce battle cry and attack Breaker with hugs and kisses then run away whooping at my victory. Can't help it. Breaker just makes me feel like a little kid in a candy store. Or in my case, a DugFinn in an iced cream parlor full of chickens.



Anywho, just got back from a con. It had more than it's usual bag full of hiccups as all cons do, but regardless, I actually had a blast there. I do believe it had to do with all of the gang hanging out at a con for once. Or well, most of us. It's actually been quite some time since we all got to hang out as a group. I miss doing that as often. I'm greatly looking forwards to A-kon this year since we'll get to hang out, but then I get reminded that key players are actually either not going or are staying in other hotel rooms and hanging out with other people. Ah, se la vie though. As long as I get to chill with Breaker, I'm a happy camper.



Ah! Speaking of which, if anyone's going to A-kon, please so stop and say Yoh! We'll be at the TWABI booth right outside the Video Game Room in the Sheraton (place where the food court is). We're hosting the Video Game Cosplay Contest, so please join us.



A-Kon Schedule!


Friday: I'm gonna wear White from Pokemon. Gonna film at the Pokemon Gathering. www.a-kon.com/forums/viewtopic…

Saturday: Kokoro in the Pink Kimono. Hosting the VGCC. www.a-kon.com/forums/viewtopic…

Sunday: Something comfortable. Maybe White again, heh.

  • Listening to: Kid Sister - Pro Nails
  • Drinking: Water

One Year Anniversary

Journal Entry: Tue Apr 19, 2011, 4:24 PM


Last weekend was my one year anniversary of being with Johnny, AKA Breaker. :iconneckbreaker:  

Now first off, I'll admit, Breaker surprised me by actually remembering what day we had gotten together on (especially since I'd forgotten, eh heh).

That Friday morning he said, "Hey, let's go pick up FyreGothChyld!" and I was like, "OK!" I just thought it was one of those spur of the moment things and didn't question it at all. So we drove from Houston to Austin and back to pick up FyreGothChyld. Then, when we got back, he asked if I could go pick up his sister, and I was like, "Sure!" While I was out I stopped at Fiesta. Breaker asked me to pick up 3 lbs of shrimp. I was like, "Really? That many? Ok, if you want it, I'll go get it!"


Now, by now, I guess any normal person would have deduced that a party was under way, but no, not me. I just though Breaker really liked shrimp, heh heh.


Anyways, when I got back home, I saw that there were strange cars in my driveway. I was like, "Oh, cool! I guess randomly people decided to come visit us. How awesome!" And as the day progressed, more and more people kept showing up, until there where easily over 15 of us in my living room.


Honestly, it never once occurred to me that Breaker had organized this little get together. It wasn't until FyreGothChyld and SuWan pointed it out that he had that my little bulb to turned on.  


Breaker surprised me with a huge get together! Oh, how well he knows me since I'd been telling him how much I missed everyone, just hanging out and having a good time. Seeing everyone was so wonderful!


The next day, we went out to Galveston and walked the stand. I fished out a sea snail and Johnny just stood by looking cool. We ate at a local seafood place and went back to the jetty at night. It was a full moon, so everything was beautifully bathed in a surprisingly strong white light. We stayed out there watching the night time waters swirl around us as the tide rose and the waves cashed against the huge jetty granite. It was awesome.


I'd dare say it was one of the nicest weekends I've spent with Breaker, but the truth is, everyday I spend with him, seems a little nicer than the last. I can only hope to always spend my weekends with him.

  • Drinking: Banana Raspberry Almond Milk Shake

Late Valentines Day Entry

Journal Entry: Tue Mar 1, 2011, 2:37 PM




Oh, ho ho ho!
How silly of me! I forgot to brag, uh, I mean, write about my wonderful Valentines Day with Johnny!
:iconneckbreaker:

I wasn't expecting much - not because I don't expect much from Johnny, but because I've never had a Valentine's Day before. Yes, that's right. This was my first one. And as such, I had partially forgotten that it was Valentines Day to begin with, heh.

That is, until Johnny took me out and we had such a fun weekend! Although, I must admit, every weekend with Johnny is particularly fun!

And then, bam! He takes me out to buy my Valentines Day gift. You might think, oh, flowers, chocolates, pretty jewelry? Nope. He's already gotten me those things, heh. ^ ~

No, this time it was something special. Something that I had mentioned that I would like to get. Well, apparently he listened and I came home that day with a Ruger 10/22!

Oh, I was so ecstatic! A cute little rifle to call my own. And it was made even more special since it was Johnny that gave it to me!

Best Valentines Day Ever!

I'm honestly blessed to have found such an amazing guy. I really am. I wake up each morning thinking, "I love Johnny," only to go to sleep that night thinking "I love him even more."

I hope everyone can one day find someone that will respect them, love them, and make them as truly happy as I feel right now. That is my sincerest wish.


  • Drinking: Pineapple Peach Mango Juice

The Ball Keeps Rolling

Journal Entry: Thu Feb 24, 2011, 5:37 PM


It's been forever since I last made a journal. Well, I suppose I should do an update for 2011 and summarize 2010.

Life.
I'm back in college full time. It seems that if you wanna get anywhere in life, it helps to have a degree. The higher the degree, the better the chances. By no means is a degree a guarantee, but well, what is now a days? And I'd like to increase my chances as much as possible. I mean, I wanna get a good job and become a contributing member of society that can stand on my own and put in equal effort as my significant other. As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing more disgusting than a bum leeching off their parents or girl/boyfriend when they are perfectly capable of going to school or getting a job - but don't because they are just lazy. That's just disgusting.  

Work.
I just got my schedule for the summer. At first I was devastated that I got such few hours, but after a few emails, I'm back up to a healthy load and all is well with the world. I'm also signed up for several AA Tables at cons. Everything I make I'm using to pay for any debts I have, help my family, and the rest will go into the savings account. It's time to think about goals and my future.

Hobby.
I'm not particularly happy with how slow filming, editing and cosplays are coming along. I can sit here and make excuses all day: "I have school; the work area is blocked; I'm busy with other work; I have to schedule and coordinate a bunch of other events; I have family responsibilities; errands came up; etc, etc." But I can't help but feel that there just HAS to be a way to manage everything better. There has to be. I'll keep looking for that way and when I find it… Fuck yeah.

Friends.
I have met and (thankfully) parted with quite a bit of scumbags in my life. Guys that treated me well, gained my trust and friendship, only to drop me like a bad habit or try to force their way on me when they realize I'm not going to "put out" for them. Or people you think are nice and honest, only to find out that they're filthy snakes spewing out venomous lies and talking shit about you behind your back. It's a nasty reminder of how horrible some people can actually be. But I finally think I've met some decent people that I can call friends. And for that I feel blessed. I hope I can finally have real friends that can respect me as much as I respect them. All I ask for is honesty. That's it.

Johnny.
I've been living with Johnny for several months now.
You know how after you've been with someone long enough you start to see their flaws, and they start to slightly irritate you? And they get on your nerves or you find yourself less attracted or not as interested in them as you once were?
Well, that's the complete opposite of how I feel about Johnny.
I have never been more attracted, more in love, more desperately wanting to be with him than I am right now. And each day that passes, each day I'm with him, those feeling grow even more and more, that the thought of not being with him is simply unimaginable. I never thought such an illogical emotion could be so prevalent or even really exist for that matter. But, hey, I finally understand what all those sappy love songs are about, hahaha.

Here's to 2011 being even better than last year. I have surprisingly high hopes.

  • Drinking: Ceylon Tea
This has been the best month so far this year! Everything feels like it's going so amazing!

Breaker has moved in with me. We're saving up money to get a place in a few months. So far so good. Although we got a sweeet Bushmaster O.R.C. a few days ago, lol, but we're still on track with saving. Heh.

I quit my job at Jo-Anns early this month so I can go full time into commission work. It's going so well! I have SO much work! So many commissions - it's great!

RERF is doing really well too! reresidentialfiles.deviantart.… We have an RERF panel at Onicon - AND we are doing the half-time show at Oni-con too! Wow! Plus, Oni has already confirmed that they want RERF as guests for 2011! Awesome! Not to mention all the sweet gigs RERF has coming up! But more on that later!

Honestly, everything feel just wonderful right now. I have a great job, a wonderful boyfriend that loves me and does so many wonderful things for me (like letting me borrow his car whenever I want because mine is still dead, lol), I have a goal in life, finances are looking good, and really great friends that I can trust and count on. I am truly happy right now, both with myself and life.

I wish the best to everyone and can only hope that everyone can at some point gain a level of happiness like this; in both your home, relationship, job, life, and with your own self. That would be my greatest wish to everyone.  


~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . Digital Dimension Cosplay .~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~

Cosplay Goals for Nov:
- Alexia Ashford (60%)
- Silver (20%)
- Gold (80%)
- Ike (50%)
- Soren (10%)
- Volke (10%)
Cosplay Goals for Dec:
- Athena (20%)
- Kokoro (50%)
- Snorlax (0%)
Cosplay Goals for Jan:
- Hades Shun (30%)
- Shun (0%)
  • Listening to: The night wind.
  • Watching: Predators
  • Drinking: Juice
Well, about a, er, um, over a month ago, my lovely little Isuzu finally crapped out on me. I've been waiting for it to get fixed for quite a while now, but with no luck. I currently "work" from home with a super flexible schedule, so it wasn't so bad, but I recently got another part time job at Jo-Ann's about 2 weeks ago, aaaand... Yeah, suddenly I desperately need a vehicle.

For the past week, I've been searching for a Toyota Sienna and/or Tacoma. I've found a few good deals, but shady luck has led to no buys yet. Anyways, still looking.

Not to mention, due to recent events, that I will speak of in a later Journal, I have to do MAJOR house cleaning in preparation for a a new "room mate." Whee! But more on that later!

Gotta go now!  

~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . Digital Dimension Cosplay .~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~

Cosplay Goals for Oct:
- Alexia Ashford
- Silver
- Gold
Cosplay Goals for Nov:
- Ike
- Soren
- Volke
Cosplay Goals for Dec:
- Athena
- Kokoro
- Snorlax
Cosplay Goals for Jan:
- Hades Shun
- Shun
  • Listening to: Sorrow Purring
  • Drinking: Orange Ceylon Tea w/ Bitter Melon & Mint leave
Well, all is coming along.

We start to film in under two weeks to finish Eps. 2 of RERF. Yay! www.youtube.com/user/REResiden…
We're currently in the process of writing the script for eps. 3 too. Maaaan, it's looking good!

And I managed to find an old copy of my website so I was able to update a little.digitaldimensioncosplay.com/in…
But still my tutorials have all been lost. Sigh. All I can do is try to re-write them. Not just that, but all of my panel outlines have been erased too because of my laptops death. My brother got an external Sata drive thing to pop the laptop HD into, but it's a weird config and won't fit. Che. Gotta go back and see if they have another one or something. This is so annoying. I miss my data, sigh. All my photos! Cho.

In other news, we're getting ready to attend the TX Ren-Fair next month. www.texrenfest.com/
We're planning on having our Fire Emblem outfits ready in time to wreak havoc upon the lands, tee-hee!


~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . Digital Dimension Cosplay .~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~

Cosplay Goals for Sept:
- Alexia Ashford
- Ike
- Silver
- Gold
Cosplay Goals for Oct:
- Soren
- Volke
- Athena
- Hades Shun
Cosplay Goals for Nov:
- Shun
- Kokoro
- Snorlax
  • Listening to: Sorrow Purring
  • Drinking: Orange Ceylon Tea w/ Bitter Melon & Mint leave
AnimeFest
This weekend I'm heading to AnimeFest in Dallas as *le gasp* an actual attendee! For the first time in who knows how many years, I'm actually going to PAY for a convention badge. I'm... All full of excitement and tingly at the prospect of being able to do as a damn well please at a con with no responsibilities past what my own fickle heart demands - hell yeah! So, yes! Catch me at A-Fest if you can! I'm gonna go rock their cosplay contest! Whee!

RERF: EPS 1
RERF has sadly been placed on the back burner for far too long. I'm finishing up Eps. 1 finally this week. I don't even want to begin trying to explain the retarded stuff we've had to do/fix/blah editing-wise for that eps. Much of it was due to our negligence during filming (not paying attention to sound inequalities or not bothering to re-shoot bad footage, etc, etc). It's totally the fault of the Director and cinematographer and I accept that blame. Frijebai and I have had to spend countless hours and days and weeks trying to fix these errors and we've formulated some ways around them. As for the actor errors, well, I just hope our sweet RERF actors don't kick me in the balls for how demanding I'm going to be with them from now on during filming. Just remember: it might take 1 minute to re-do a bad take, but it'll take 1 hour to try and edit a bad take. So please, bare with me.
Over all though, what our RERF group has done... Is nothing short of amazing. We've managed to form, film and do what countless others have only ever been able to dream about. I'm so totally proud and deliriously happy to be able to say that I am a part of this group. Thank you SO much guys. Seriously.  

TWABI
We've formed a new Cosplay group called TWABI. RERF is one of the projects for TWABI. I'm super excited about this! I just wish I could have finished/uploaded the TWABI website I made for our group. Sadly, about two weeks ago, my laptop met an ill fate and is no more, taking with it, all it's coveted files. Sigh. I might be able to recover the info from it, but... Well... Let us all cross our fingers.

As for non-con related such and such,  

A Great Sadness (Small rant meant for friends)
Well, I can certainly avow for great upheaval that has plagued our group in this past month. Don't get me wrong, lots of great things have happened, but they seem to all have been over-shadowed by one particular event that has brought us all into a depressing lethargic funk.
One of our dear friends has moved away. And, although, normally this would be met by sadness, the true depressing reel is the blanket of animosity left in its wake: she ran away from home. And left without saying good-bye to even those that loved her and wished her a happy fate. Not only that (I won't even bother going into the try details of the sordid arrangement to which she has succumbed), but as of this moment, to my knowledge, she has pretty much ignored us all (sans Breaker). She has not emailed, called, txted, posted, or even sent message through someones else on her behalf. And it leads me to wonder... Why?! Aren't we her friends?! We deeply care about her and here she is, not giving a damned about us. I mean. People fucking cried when she left (myself included) and I went on and on for days afterwords wondering "if she was OK?", "did she make it to Dallas?", "how is she now?", "etc, etc, etc". Gods, I bugged Breaker for days after wards worrying my ass off thinking "why hasn't she contacted anyone?", "she can't be alright! if she was, she would have contacted us already to let us know she's OK", "oh my gods, was she raped and murdered on the way to Dallas?! why else would she not call anyone to say she's OK?!" and then I come to find out that the whole time she was just chilling at a friend's house?!? The whole while her father is crying and we're all worrying and she doesn't even have the decency to--?!? Gods! And now, weeks later, she STILL hasn't called anyone, family or friends?! Fuck?! She hate us all now or what?! I mean, damn. I care about her and worry about her, but from her actions all I get is "I don't care about anyone from my old life anymore, so fuck you all."

Nat. If this is the case, please tell me. Because I deeply care about you. I'm worried about you. And I want to know if all the tears I'm shedding for you are going to waste.

We all miss you. A lot. You are our friend. Please remember that. And we are your friends. We care so much about you. Please stop being so cruel.

Do you even still care about us at all...?
  • Watching: Sorrow running around.
  • Drinking: Aloe Drink
Just got back from Anime Overload. I had so much fun at this con - mainly because I was around all my friends and we pretty much chilled the whole time and relaxed.

I ran the cosplay contest along with most of the guys from RERF :iconreresidentialfiles: and with GreyRondo ::icongreyrondo::

They where all amazing and I can't wait to see them again!

We ate at this amazing Chinese place in Austin called Fortune on Lamar St. Totally recommend it! We're all def going there next near again!

We all also hung out with JHe Cosplay Photography Group. They are all such cool guys! And their work is amazing. I hope to see them at future cons for sure!

Well, long story short, the con was all sorts of fun! Hope to see you there next year!
  • Listening to: The Refrigerator's roar!
  • Drinking: Tea